Metal Tornado

Metal Tornado has left me with several questions.  1) Seriously, I doubt the validity of the science here and want someone other than Lou Diamond Philips to explain magnetism to me. That’s not really a question.  2)  What purpose did crying bitch face in the car serve?  3)  Why are there different labs?  4) Why did I finish this movie??

I believe this is a SyFy original which explains a lot (they seem to be on a quest to make movies worse than even Ed Woods’, bless their hearts, and I do love them for it) but this one is kind of in a league of its own.

We start with our resident scientist (what kind of scientist is he?  Who knows?  Climatology?  Physics?), Lou Diamond Phillips, taking the lead on a brilliant plan (with all schematics explained in approximately five minutes with such casualness that it seems he came up with it last week) to harness a billion gazillion tons of clean pure energy by harvesting solar flares.  Or something like that.  Unfortunately, during the solar harvesting, 2% of the energy goes rogue creating a field of magnetism that becomes a funnel of magnetism that carves a path through Pennsylvania, sucking up everything metal in its path.  And France.  Because you know, destroying the Eiffel Tower makes for really cool visual effects.

Buh-bye, Eiffel Tower!

Meanwhile, people come in and out of the movie with no real rhyme or reason other than to up the body count (not that a lot of people die really, except all those Parisians).  Like crying bitch face in the car.  Why, SyFy, why?????  I don’t understand!!!

There’s a few a lot of wrong here, so many in fact that if I broke it down, we’d all be here forever so let me instead go with what I learned here.

  • Magnetic tornadoes follow lines of iron in the earth.
  • Lou Diamond Phillips’ character works for a douchebag.
  • Magnetic tornadoes in France will grow much bigger and deadlier than ones in America in half the time.
  • Magnetic tornadoes can be easily fixed with an e-bomb but it will take you close to an hour and a half to figure this out.
  • When faced with a deadly magnetic tornado, most people will simply stand and watch as their death approaches with little to no concern for their own safety.
  • You always high five another when death is averted.

AND a few of my favorite lines:

  • I think we’ve just witnessed the birth of unlimited clean energy. Congratulations!
  • It’s too bad your bike insurance doesn’t cover damage by supernatural entities.
  • My dog sticks his head out the window to capture that feeling, why don’t you do the same?

Fun if you’re a fan of the B Z movie but otherwise I’d steer pretty clear of this one.

 

 

 

 

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About mistylayne

I'm a Z movie loving, horror hound, Buffy quoting, Dr. Who watching, geekazoid and seeker of all things unusual. I'm a gypsy wanderer, lover of words, Wendy of the damned and all that jazz. What can I say? I'm complicated.

Posted on 2012.18.August, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 18 Comments.

  1. Yeah, this looks like shit. But it’s no Mongolian Death Worm. (And isn’t that the guy from My Two Dads?)

  2. I’m sure I know someone who would watch this. Thankfully, I just read your review and can say I’ve already seen it! ;)

  3. I don’t think I would like this movie. I think that what I think is that you watched it and protected me from having to see this to protect anyone else. I think that I think that I thank you. : )

  4. Hysterical! Awesome review! It sounds so bad that I may have to watch it for laughs!!!

  5. This one sounds so bad it’s BAD. Thanks for the warning.

  6. Is that Jonny Vegas in the trailer (to anyone not from the UK, he is a fat ‘comedian’)? Says it all about the film if so! Nice write up as always Misty :)

    • I don’t *think* it’s Johnny Vegas (at least it looks like not according to IMDB). Thanks, Tyson! :) And as always, thank you for stopping by CS! We appreciate your patronage. ;)

  7. This is one of the funniest reviews you’ve written Crying bitchface! Bless their hearts! Laughter OL.

  8. Yep that sounds like something i would watch on the sy fy channel haha :D

  9. I watched this movie a while ago and wracked my brains trying to think of something to write about it, but eventually just gave up. You, however, have summed it up beautifully! And yes, I do think the science in the movie is a little on shaky ground.

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