SHITFEST 2013 ENTRY 20: SHARK WEEK (2012)
(OUR SECOND SHARK THEMED ENTRY!!!)
Shark Week
As we all know, I watch a SHIT ton of movies that would be appropriate for SHITFEST 2013, so it was difficult to decide how to go about preparing my entry. Take something old from my site? Watch something terrible that I would never blog about on my site? (Hey, it could happen!) Or just watch something entirely new that I wasn’t familiar with?
Texting Tuesdays [Misty Layne]
Since last weeks interview was so popular I thought I'd try it out again. This time Misty from Cinema Schminema answered a few questions for me and I thought it would be fun to share them with you this fine Tuesday morning. Hope you enjoy!!
Thanks Misty!!! Don't forget to visit Misty's site…
Hansel & Gretel
Fuck yeah, Asylum!! Hansel & Gretel
No, for realz, we’re teenagers. Totes.
So above we have Hansel & Gretel, who are like, totally teenagers, y’all. Gretel works at the local bakery called “The Gingerbread House” (ha! get it??) where Lilith serves up the best meat pies around. And we all know what happens when meat pies are involved, right, kiddies? I mean, we all did see Sweeney Todd, yeah? No?…. Anywho. H&G’s mom died at some point and Hansel feels really guilty about that (although I couldn’t ever figure out WHY – like maybe there was a car wreck when she was coming to pick him up or something?) but she’s been gone long enough that Gretel mentions not being able to remember her as well as she should. Well, good old Pops has been seeing this religious chick named Ruby for like a month or something and now they’re getting married. Hansel, being the whiny little asshat he is, starts yelling and crying and runs off into the woods in anger. Okay, I totally made that crying part up but still. Gretel gives chase to try to talk some sense into her idiot twin brother when whoopsie, he steps into a conveniently placed bear trap. Ouch.
Don’t worry, hon. Lilith will fix that nasty little boo boo up right quick.
The only place around ends up being Lilith’s from “The Gingerbread House” and Lilith is totes a sweetie so of course she bandages that wound up and feeds Hansel all the pastries in the world and then some “special” candy that she takes for her glaucoma. *giggles* Next thing you know, Hansel’s fast asleep and Lilith’s all, “Oh just stay here tonight, kiddies.” Then she gives Gretel some “magic” tea that knocks Gretel right the hell out. This is the point where I started to be wary of Lilith’s intentions here, just sayin’.
Lalala, chores instead of leaving the house for the hospital for my brother, tralalala….
The next morning Gretel wakes up to find her brother gone with an explanation of a neighbor having taken him to the hospital. Why doesn’t she leave straightaway? Well, the woods are dangerous, y’all, she might as well wait for that neighbor to come back for her. In the meantime, might as well help Lilith out with a few chores, right? Hansel wakes up to an entirely different scenario – one where he’s locked in a dungeon with three other teens who tell him that they’re being fattened up to be cooked later on. Hansel isn’t the brightest crayola in the box so he kinda just goes, ‘Huh, what? Oh pastries! Oh wait, don’t eat those!” And this is about the time we meet these fellows…
Damn right, Mommie Dearest has kids!
Awww, just look at those adorable twinsies. And after this comes some back story about Lilith losing a daughter and being 800 million years old and then everyone’s running around trying not to get cooked and those big dudes go all Leatherface on people and there’s a cop (and the killer exchange of: Gretel – “You shot the sheriff!!” Lilith – “Oh, I shot the deputy too.” Totes brills) and Pops and Ruby show up and there’s a lot of weird stuff that makes you think Ruby is actually Lilith’s daughter but no, that’s totes trickster and then well, ya know…it’s Hansel & Gretel – we kind of know where this is going.
I WANTED you to be my daughter, you bitch! We’re just alike, you know!
Seriously, this is by far, the best Asylum flick I’ve seen. Dee Wallace is KILLER with her witchy psychotic granny portrayal (and you know, that’s really what makes this movie cause the other actors I could take or leave). There’s one scene where Hansel starts to eat himself because he is so delicious (insert raunchy jokes here) that was super fun and not as fake as the usual Asylum stuff is and another girl getting sliced and diced with this crazy wires also works out really well. Of course we have our moments where Ruby is dead but moving, the cops are at the top of the idiot food chain and it’s ridiculous to think Lilith who has been doing this for years now just woke up and thought to herself, “Welll, gosh darnit, I’m gonna have me those twins even if I have to take the whole town down to do it.” Seriously, WTF, Lilith? *sighs*
If you love The Asylum, you definitely have to check this one out!
New Issue of Rogue Cinema!
Hey guys, latest issue of Rogue Cinema is up and you might recognize a couple of the other writers in this one. 
Here’s my latest batch of reviews and interviews if you’re interested. And I will be back soon – after a month of living out of boxes, I am finally unable to unpack! Yay! Unpacking dvds and books never looked so good. 
Freak Dance
Guys…guys, guys, guys…I really am not quite sure what to say about Freak Dance
Let’s start here…
We open on a young girl dressed as a ballerina dancing around her room in her mansion (and when I say young I mean 20 something). Cocolonia, as she’s called, wants to dance more than anything but her mother has forbidden it. So Cocolonia runs away to the streets to become a true street dancer, even though technically she can never be because she comes from money and has never smoked marijuana. Okay?
Then we have two street dance groups who are mortal enemies – Fantaseez and Dazzles. Fantaseez people are all about the love of the dance and dancing for love while Dazzles group is about dancing for sex. Also the main leader of Dazzles was, I’m fairly certain, either Richard Simmons or Perez Hilton…With Fantaseez, you get a lot of quotes about dancing like, “Learning to read is what dancing is all about.” or “Staying away from drugs is what dancing is all about”. There’s also A LOT of talk about dance bulges and how they help enable balance. Oh and there’s singing, did I mention the singing yet??
So Cocolonia joins up with Fantaseez and after they teach her how to work her ass (no, really), she kind of sort of becomes a member and starts to fall in love with their leader, Funky Bunch. Also there’s a scene in a slaughterhouse when she’s trying to learn to be poor.
“Just look at his dance bulge!!”
Of course there’s an underground dance competition that turns into a freak dance off in an effort to save Fantaseez meeting place from being shut down by a building inspector who has ulterior motives and also the FBI is involved…or the CIA…I forget which. So the question is, can Fantaseez be saved? Will Dazzles convince Cocolonia to become a sex dancer? Who can outfreak the other?? Do you think it’s possible I could tweet Amy Poehler and actually score an interview with her about her motivations for being in this movie???
Okay, I kind of loved it. It’s not for everyone, hell, it’s really not for the majority of people and I think there’s maybe one person reading this who might enjoy it. But seriously, it’s kind of brilliant. No, really…
Read Between the Lines
By Misty Layne
love, beloved
you don't understand
it's so beautiful when you smile
how someone can love you without asking anything in return
and when we spend time together
(it's rare, I know)
lost together in the same dream
trust doesn't come easy
and time passes us by
but one day you must
in whispered secrets
believe
unspoken words finally formed…
The Hit Girl
Got this little gem from co-writer and director James Ward this past week and finally had the chance to sit down and give it a go. What’s the verdict for this wacky body switch adventure? Read on…
THE HIT GIRL tells the story of a hit man named Bill, who while on a mission encounters a magical statue that transforms him into a teenage girl. Renamed Jessica by his timid, movie quoting niece Suzy, ‘she’ must now rely on Suzy’s help in dealing with both the problems that come with being a teenage girl, and completing ‘her’ latest assignment. A job made that much more difficult now that Jessica stands at 4’11″ and weighs under a hundred pounds. How will she be able survive a gang of armed gunmen, when she now finds herself being easily bullied by a group of catty teenage girls? Will Bill ever get his life back or will ‘she’ be stuck as Jessica forever?
This dude’s life is about to drastically change…
So we open with a box with a pentagram carved into it and a dagger and some chanting and I get all excited going, “Dude! There’s supernatural stuff in this?? SWEET!!!” and then we pan back to a table full of guys playing Dungeons & Dragons. A bit of a disappointment but also hilarious. Oh movie, you so got me! The supernatural stuff was being done by the noob who is playing Game Master (should that be capitalized??) and really the other guys playing are kind of too cute to be sitting around playing D&D. Then the pizza guy shows up (Pirate Pizza to be exact – ARRGHHH!!!) and all hell breaks loose. Cause pizza guy isn’t a pizza guy at all – he’s the dude in the pic above who is really a secret operative going around capturing and killing people. He’s also searching for the perfect catchphrase while he does so – he’s no quipper like Buffy Summers but he’s trying his best, y’all.
After his little pizza mission, he calls his sis and arranges to have dinner with her and his niece the next night.
How awesome am I? Oh, only pretty f’ing kickawesome is all!
That’s his niece and she rocks my socks, y’all. She is a bona fide movie quoting geek of the best kind. She’s throwing out shiz left and right from all genres and eras. Plus she’s the only one who knows that her uncle has turned into a chick and she handles that news pretty well.
What happens next? Typical teenage shenanigans, a group of mean girls, a gang of men who are kidnapping girls for sex trade, the usual. But it’s all done with just the right amount of funny and surprisingly little nudity, gratuitous violence or language. Kind of refreshing to see.
*sighs* School girl…
Not gonna lie, there are a few moments that are completely implausible and a few that are kind of ridic but it’s all good fun and it’s all well done and I kind of loved it. And this coming from a girl who isn’t a huge fan of the body switching genre. If you’re looking for a cute comedy done right, definitely give this one a go. You can find it at the link at the top plus photos and more!
Lammy 2013 Nomination
So, somehow, in some way, I have been nominated in the Best Horror Blog category in this year’s LAMMY’S. I honestly have no idea how this happened but I am so honored. I started this little site purely for fun and also because I was bored and had recently broken up with my boyfriend and was kind of lonely and was going through some pretty intensive therapy and well, life was a little messy to say the least and I needed an outlet and my first attempt at a movie blog wasn’t that great. But I got the idea for Cinema Schminema and thought I’d invite a couple of friends to maybe check it out and figured it would go the way of The Movie Slayer (my first movie blog), which is to say I figured maybe 10 people total would ever see it. Yet somehow here we are 345 followers later, several blogathons later, several wacky crossovers later and several friends made later. So to everyone who helped me get here THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart – you guys are amazing.
I’ve linked the image above to the complete list of final nominees for the 2013 LAMMY’S so be sure to check them all out – there’s several you’ll know and everyone nominated is fabulous. And if you’re a LAMB, be sure to go VOTE!! Voting ends April 30th so don’t wait!!
Also speaking of how far Cinema Schminema has come:
I’m a few days late (yep, I missed my own site’s birthday/anniversary. *sighs*) but my little experiment has now been around for a year. Hard to believe because the time has FLOWN by. So again a HUGE thank you to everybody who stops by and reads my silly little reviews about films no one wants to watch (okay, a few people want to watch ). And a special thank you to my very first ever commenter, Eric. You, sir, ROCK.
Alright, I’m catching up on interviews and movie watching this weekend – coming soon a review of “The Hit Girl” and an interview with Scream Queen Jessica Cameron so stay tuned!
The Lovely Seeker
I sought Death.
Death isn’t an easy fellow to find, not if you’re trying, that is. If you’re not expecting him, he’ll surely come knocking at your door but for me he was elusive.
I’d been searching for him since I was a child. I admit he scared me, but he utterly fascinated me all the same. Death was exotic and unknown.
Sand Sharks
A couple of quickies before we start our feature presentation -
Did you all listen to the last Lambcast the other day? If not, you might hear someone you know on it…Plus you get to hear the final nominees for the LAMMY’S!
Secondly, just came across this Indiegogo for a really cool looking horror film called Truth or Dare starring Scream Queen Jessica Cameron (AND it’s also her directorial debut). Looks like it might be something a lot of you guys would dig so maybe check it out and support some indie horror!
And now for the main event…..
So yeah. Sand Sharks
- Are you allowed to ride dirt bikes on the beach?
- Um…I don’t think sharks do that…or look like that…
- Oh man, is this the Jersey shore because that is one serious guido. Or porn star. Kind of hard to tell.
- Apparently you can NOT ride your dirt bike on the beach or so says the sheriff 500 TIMES.
- Obviously a coyote ripped the biker’s head off. Totes.
- This guido/porn star makes me want to go take a shower.
- Brooke Hogan!! Why does she have an acting career and I don’t??
- Why is Brooke Hogan always in shark movies?
- Ohhhhhhh, this guy buried in the sand up to his head is not going to last long I think. Also he’s a whiny little bitch.
- Being buried in the sand is the most ridiculous thing that has ever happened to him – whiny boy has had one boring life apparently.
- “Ow. Ow.” so that’s how you react when a sand shark starts to eat you.
- I LOVE THIS INTERN. She just said “hella”. Any second she’s gonna break out the “TOTES”!!
- Please tell me that deputy is NOT Jewel Staite.
- “You expect thousands of college students to sleep in tents?” Has this woman ever MET a college student?
- Okay, so the last time guido/porn star threw a party 15 people died. Obviously he should NOT be throwing another party…
- Also the sand shark has finally been sighted by people! I mean, other than the people that have been eaten.
- Did I mention that guido/porn star is throwing a “rager” called “Sand Man”? That’s the opposing story line here.
- I think this movie is stealing from “Jaws”…
- I…what? There’s a crusty old fisherman who’s stepping up to catch the sand shark…and he talks like Popeye….
- Um, sheriff? Brooke Hogan is like half your age if not more so. Stop hitting on her now. You’re being totes creepster.
- Looks like crusty old fisherman wasn’t really up to the task of catching the sand shark – the sand shark that attacked in WATER.
- Guido/porn star just referred to himself as “Big Daddy” – that is how I shall refer to him from now on too.
- Big Daddy is ignoring all warnings of sand sharks (of course) so I imagine more than 15 people are going to die this time.
- OH snap. Not just a sand shark but a dino tiger sand shark!
- The sand dino tiger shark just ate the power cord that was laying on the beach – the gigantic power cord that seems to control the power to the whole town.
- Now it’s night…now it’s day…now it’s night…who needs continuity?
- So much melodrama for a movie of this nature!
- Brooke Hogan is trapped by the sand shark!! Creepster sheriff is going to try to save her!
- Wow, that was anticlimatic. Sand sharks are slow.
- There are so many idiots in this movie. I’ve lost count.
- Okay, that was by far the funniest moment from Big Daddy and it was after his dad got eaten.
- WHOA!! Sand shark just got all blown up with electricity and now the entire world is without power!
- Big Daddy is obviously bi-polar. One second he’s crying, the next he’s ranting, then he’s manic – it’s like me on a bad day.
- I never understood the appeal of spring break. Does that make me weird?
- Ew, she just licked his face – out of nowhere. That was gross.
- Hahahahaaaaa!!!!!! Way to make fun of yourself, movie!
- “Are you serious right now??” “As a heart attack…or shark attack…”
- Oooohhhh, intern, I liked you before but I like you even better now for knocking that guy out to get ahead.
- And literally throwing that dude to the shark? Bitch, you rule.
- Are you freaking kidding me, there’s 30 minutes of this movie left??
- One for my homies, one for me. These people know how to party.
- BAD BAD tan, orange girl. BAD.
- Never show your boobs to a shark made of sand because then a sand shark will eat you. Just ponder that for a moment.
- Nobody knows how to run in this movie. Why??
- Now there’s like 800 million sand sharks!!
- I don’t think guns work on sand sharks.
- I really just like saying sand sharks again and again.
- Holy FUCK they just killed off someone that I wasn’t expecting!! I can’t believe the movie got me!
- Also intestines cannot really go back in the body once they’re out.
- Being stoned during a sand shark attack is not helpful to anyone.
- Grizzly fisherman is back! I totes thought he was dead!
- So those 30 extras represented thousands of teenagers?
- WHAT??? Okay, the plan is to lure the sand sharks up the beach, then melt the sand with electricity. What could possibly go wrong?
- Seriously, this movie just keeps getting funnier and funnier. They’re playing Sousa to lure the sharks to the beach so they can electrify/melt them. (At least I think it’s Sousa).
- So electricity means a flame thrower…gotcha…
- WTF??? *giggles*
- I really think she actually just said “Eat this, you sand of a bitch.”
- Oh thank goodness, it’s over. Where is that whiskey I bought earlier??
