(OUR SECOND SHARK THEMED ENTRY!!!)
As we all know, I watch a SHIT ton of movies that would be appropriate for SHITFEST 2013, so it was difficult to decide how to go about preparing my entry. Take something old from my site? Watch something terrible that I would never blog about on my site? (Hey, it could happen!) Or just watch something entirely new that I wasn’t familiar with?
Since last weeks interview was so popular I thought I'd try it out again. This time Misty from Cinema Schminema answered a few questions for me and I thought it would be fun to share them with you this fine Tuesday morning. Hope you enjoy!!
Thanks Misty!!! Don't forget to visit Misty's site…
Fuck yeah, Asylum!! Hansel & Gretel is, I’m fairly certain, the best freaking movie you guys have ever put out and honestly, I’m so proud, it brought a tear to my eye, no lie. I mean, sure you guys totally ripped off the Hansel & Gretel phase that was going on just last year (but hey, it’s a fairy tale so any movie version is ripping it off, right?) but this was…this was almost entirely coherent and had a couple of gross out moments that weren’t so fake that I was compelled to laugh. Plus Dee Wallace was AMAZEBALLS in this. I would NOT want to meet that woman in the middle of the woods, no way, no how.
So above we have Hansel & Gretel, who are like, totally teenagers, y’all. Gretel works at the local bakery called “The Gingerbread House” (ha! get it??) where Lilith serves up the best meat pies around. And we all know what happens when meat pies are involved, right, kiddies? I mean, we all did see Sweeney Todd, yeah? No?…. Anywho. H&G’s mom died at some point and Hansel feels really guilty about that (although I couldn’t ever figure out WHY – like maybe there was a car wreck when she was coming to pick him up or something?) but she’s been gone long enough that Gretel mentions not being able to remember her as well as she should. Well, good old Pops has been seeing this religious chick named Ruby for like a month or something and now they’re getting married. Hansel, being the whiny little asshat he is, starts yelling and crying and runs off into the woods in anger. Okay, I totally made that crying part up but still. Gretel gives chase to try to talk some sense into her idiot twin brother when whoopsie, he steps into a conveniently placed bear trap. Ouch.
The only place around ends up being Lilith’s from “The Gingerbread House” and Lilith is totes a sweetie so of course she bandages that wound up and feeds Hansel all the pastries in the world and then some “special” candy that she takes for her glaucoma. *giggles* Next thing you know, Hansel’s fast asleep and Lilith’s all, “Oh just stay here tonight, kiddies.” Then she gives Gretel some “magic” tea that knocks Gretel right the hell out. This is the point where I started to be wary of Lilith’s intentions here, just sayin’.
The next morning Gretel wakes up to find her brother gone with an explanation of a neighbor having taken him to the hospital. Why doesn’t she leave straightaway? Well, the woods are dangerous, y’all, she might as well wait for that neighbor to come back for her. In the meantime, might as well help Lilith out with a few chores, right? Hansel wakes up to an entirely different scenario – one where he’s locked in a dungeon with three other teens who tell him that they’re being fattened up to be cooked later on. Hansel isn’t the brightest crayola in the box so he kinda just goes, ‘Huh, what? Oh pastries! Oh wait, don’t eat those!” And this is about the time we meet these fellows…
Awww, just look at those adorable twinsies. And after this comes some back story about Lilith losing a daughter and being 800 million years old and then everyone’s running around trying not to get cooked and those big dudes go all Leatherface on people and there’s a cop (and the killer exchange of: Gretel – “You shot the sheriff!!” Lilith – “Oh, I shot the deputy too.” Totes brills) and Pops and Ruby show up and there’s a lot of weird stuff that makes you think Ruby is actually Lilith’s daughter but no, that’s totes trickster and then well, ya know…it’s Hansel & Gretel – we kind of know where this is going.
Seriously, this is by far, the best Asylum flick I’ve seen. Dee Wallace is KILLER with her witchy psychotic granny portrayal (and you know, that’s really what makes this movie cause the other actors I could take or leave). There’s one scene where Hansel starts to eat himself because he is so delicious (insert raunchy jokes here) that was super fun and not as fake as the usual Asylum stuff is and another girl getting sliced and diced with this crazy wires also works out really well. Of course we have our moments where Ruby is dead but moving, the cops are at the top of the idiot food chain and it’s ridiculous to think Lilith who has been doing this for years now just woke up and thought to herself, “Welll, gosh darnit, I’m gonna have me those twins even if I have to take the whole town down to do it.” Seriously, WTF, Lilith? *sighs*
If you love The Asylum, you definitely have to check this one out!
Hey guys, latest issue of Rogue Cinema is up and you might recognize a couple of the other writers in this one. Here’s my latest batch of reviews and interviews if you’re interested. And I will be back soon – after a month of living out of boxes, I am finally unable to unpack! Yay! Unpacking dvds and books never looked so good.
Guys…guys, guys, guys…I really am not quite sure what to say about Freak Dance. It’s either the most brilliant social commentary ever done or the worst movie Amy Poehler has ever been in. I seriously can’t decide. I watched this about 3 days ago and it’s taken me this long to even attempt to write a review. Bullet points can’t really suffice because there’s too much WTF? happening – it would be the longest post ever. I could do another picture only review but it still won’t quite capture the…magic that is this movie. So I’ll see what I can do here because words kind of escape me when it comes to this.
We open on a young girl dressed as a ballerina dancing around her room in her mansion (and when I say young I mean 20 something). Cocolonia, as she’s called, wants to dance more than anything but her mother has forbidden it. So Cocolonia runs away to the streets to become a true street dancer, even though technically she can never be because she comes from money and has never smoked marijuana. Okay?
Then we have two street dance groups who are mortal enemies – Fantaseez and Dazzles. Fantaseez people are all about the love of the dance and dancing for love while Dazzles group is about dancing for sex. Also the main leader of Dazzles was, I’m fairly certain, either Richard Simmons or Perez Hilton…With Fantaseez, you get a lot of quotes about dancing like, “Learning to read is what dancing is all about.” or “Staying away from drugs is what dancing is all about”. There’s also A LOT of talk about dance bulges and how they help enable balance. Oh and there’s singing, did I mention the singing yet??
So Cocolonia joins up with Fantaseez and after they teach her how to work her ass (no, really), she kind of sort of becomes a member and starts to fall in love with their leader, Funky Bunch. Also there’s a scene in a slaughterhouse when she’s trying to learn to be poor.
Of course there’s an underground dance competition that turns into a freak dance off in an effort to save Fantaseez meeting place from being shut down by a building inspector who has ulterior motives and also the FBI is involved…or the CIA…I forget which. So the question is, can Fantaseez be saved? Will Dazzles convince Cocolonia to become a sex dancer? Who can outfreak the other?? Do you think it’s possible I could tweet Amy Poehler and actually score an interview with her about her motivations for being in this movie???
Okay, I kind of loved it. It’s not for everyone, hell, it’s really not for the majority of people and I think there’s maybe one person reading this who might enjoy it. But seriously, it’s kind of brilliant. No, really…
By Misty Layne
you don't understand
it's so beautiful when you smile
how someone can love you without asking anything in return
and when we spend time together
(it's rare, I know)
lost together in the same dream
trust doesn't come easy
and time passes us by
but one day you must
in whispered secrets
unspoken words finally formed…
Got this little gem from co-writer and director James Ward this past week and finally had the chance to sit down and give it a go. What’s the verdict for this wacky body switch adventure? Read on…
THE HIT GIRL tells the story of a hit man named Bill, who while on a mission encounters a magical statue that transforms him into a teenage girl. Renamed Jessica by his timid, movie quoting niece Suzy, ‘she’ must now rely on Suzy’s help in dealing with both the problems that come with being a teenage girl, and completing ‘her’ latest assignment. A job made that much more difficult now that Jessica stands at 4’11″ and weighs under a hundred pounds. How will she be able survive a gang of armed gunmen, when she now finds herself being easily bullied by a group of catty teenage girls? Will Bill ever get his life back or will ‘she’ be stuck as Jessica forever?
So we open with a box with a pentagram carved into it and a dagger and some chanting and I get all excited going, “Dude! There’s supernatural stuff in this?? SWEET!!!” and then we pan back to a table full of guys playing Dungeons & Dragons. A bit of a disappointment but also hilarious. Oh movie, you so got me! The supernatural stuff was being done by the noob who is playing Game Master (should that be capitalized??) and really the other guys playing are kind of too cute to be sitting around playing D&D. Then the pizza guy shows up (Pirate Pizza to be exact – ARRGHHH!!!) and all hell breaks loose. Cause pizza guy isn’t a pizza guy at all – he’s the dude in the pic above who is really a secret operative going around capturing and killing people. He’s also searching for the perfect catchphrase while he does so – he’s no quipper like Buffy Summers but he’s trying his best, y’all.
After his little pizza mission, he calls his sis and arranges to have dinner with her and his niece the next night.
That’s his niece and she rocks my socks, y’all. She is a bona fide movie quoting geek of the best kind. She’s throwing out shiz left and right from all genres and eras. Plus she’s the only one who knows that her uncle has turned into a chick and she handles that news pretty well.
What happens next? Typical teenage shenanigans, a group of mean girls, a gang of men who are kidnapping girls for sex trade, the usual. But it’s all done with just the right amount of funny and surprisingly little nudity, gratuitous violence or language. Kind of refreshing to see.
Not gonna lie, there are a few moments that are completely implausible and a few that are kind of ridic but it’s all good fun and it’s all well done and I kind of loved it. And this coming from a girl who isn’t a huge fan of the body switching genre. If you’re looking for a cute comedy done right, definitely give this one a go. You can find it at the link at the top plus photos and more!
So, somehow, in some way, I have been nominated in the Best Horror Blog category in this year’s LAMMY’S. I honestly have no idea how this happened but I am so honored. I started this little site purely for fun and also because I was bored and had recently broken up with my boyfriend and was kind of lonely and was going through some pretty intensive therapy and well, life was a little messy to say the least and I needed an outlet and my first attempt at a movie blog wasn’t that great. But I got the idea for Cinema Schminema and thought I’d invite a couple of friends to maybe check it out and figured it would go the way of The Movie Slayer (my first movie blog), which is to say I figured maybe 10 people total would ever see it. Yet somehow here we are 345 followers later, several blogathons later, several wacky crossovers later and several friends made later. So to everyone who helped me get here THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart – you guys are amazing.
I’ve linked the image above to the complete list of final nominees for the 2013 LAMMY’S so be sure to check them all out – there’s several you’ll know and everyone nominated is fabulous. And if you’re a LAMB, be sure to go VOTE!! Voting ends April 30th so don’t wait!!
Also speaking of how far Cinema Schminema has come:
I’m a few days late (yep, I missed my own site’s birthday/anniversary. *sighs*) but my little experiment has now been around for a year. Hard to believe because the time has FLOWN by. So again a HUGE thank you to everybody who stops by and reads my silly little reviews about films no one wants to watch (okay, a few people want to watch ). And a special thank you to my very first ever commenter, Eric. You, sir, ROCK.
Alright, I’m catching up on interviews and movie watching this weekend – coming soon a review of “The Hit Girl” and an interview with Scream Queen Jessica Cameron so stay tuned!
I sought Death.
Death isn’t an easy fellow to find, not if you’re trying, that is. If you’re not expecting him, he’ll surely come knocking at your door but for me he was elusive.
I’d been searching for him since I was a child. I admit he scared me, but he utterly fascinated me all the same. Death was exotic and unknown.